Welcome Aboard

It's been said to me that I should start blogging again as my followers and friends have missed my writings, however, I simply wasn't interested. A few days ago, an event took place in my life which made me think about others who may be motivated and inspired by me if I were to write again. Those who know me will be the first to tell you that I am a motivator to others and an encourager to them as well. I'm the person who stands behind those who are going through storms and holds an umbrella over them while they push through, while becoming soaked myself. That's who I am.

Hello. I'm MzTonya and I'm fat. In early 2009, I stepped on the scales in the doctor's office. It was humiliating because of the type of scales they had used and secondly because I was coming up on my near all-time high again. I'm here to bare all and to do so without shame. For if I were to withhold information, then what would the purpose be in my attempts to inspire others? My all-time high weight was 491 pounds. Yes. You read the correctly, 9 pounds away from being 500 pounds. If you were to look at me when I was that high, you wouldn't have guessed as my fat had it's way of compacting into places which evened me out. I, however, knew the truth. Last year when I stepped on the scales, I was at 463lbs.

There comes a time in the lives of fat people like myself who accept the conclusion, this is who I am and this is who I'm going to be. The hope within diminishes and you accept yourself for what you are. I accepted myself at 463lbs. Why not? My friends supported and loved me dearly, I'm the apple of a man's eye who sees me for me, and I don't have health problems. I've never once had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes. So I accepted me and expected the world to do so as well.

It doesn't happen that way. As a matter of fact, the world is a cruel and ugly place. They will smile at your face but snicker behind you. Many people don't understand that being fat is a disease in itself. There's a core to the weight, but in order to find that core, you have to understand yourself. You have figure out what it is that drives you to eat in such unhealthy ways. Myself? That is a story on it's own and I will attempt to give insights as to how I became so big in the first place.

In closing this morning, I want to talk about the inspiration for this blog. My sweetheart was coming over after we hadn't seen each other in some days and I wanted to look cute for him. I ripped through my closet trying to find something suitable however, my clothes were all too big. My jeans which fit perfectly when he and I first met reminded me of an oversized burlap sack with me stuffed in them as if I were a sack of potatoes and my shirt looked like a tent. I stood in front of the mirror and literally had an emotional breakdown. I cried! My emotions which came out of me caused me to feel silly later, but during the time it was happening, I was a wreck.

Most people cry because they can not fit into their clothes due to weight gain. I'm not sure why I cried because of the clothes being too big. I think it was disappointment because I haven't gone shopping for new clothes. Why? At the time of the breakdown, I had only spoken to others about the loss I've had, but I haven't quite accepted the fact that I've lost weight. In my mind, I'm still that 463 pound woman who moved to North Carolina last July. In the mirror, I am a 394 pound woman.

And so the journey continues. Welcome to my blog. I would love to know who's reading, so please feel free to share, comment, follow, or whatever else you want to do in order to let me know that you are here. I'm not sure what direction this will take, but to know this, this is my personal blog so we'll talk about life. My life consists of God, my daughter, my sweetheart, friends, two cats, work, and school. I'm a very open person and I speak my mind without fear of rejection or anything. So, let's go!