Sunday, October 24, 2010

I haven't been able to write over the last few days as I just started this job on the outside world and it's really time consuming to be honest. I'm so used to waking up in the morning, starting a fresh pot of coffee to brew while I'm in the shower, then it's coffee, Facebook, and logging into work right afterward. Transitioning from working at home to working thirty minutes away was very emotional for me. The biggest part of those emotions dealt with the fact that I was away from my daughter and then the fact that the contact between my sweetie and I was very limited. To understand this, I've been with my daughter since she was four. Yes, she goes to school, summer camps, a different church than I, etc... however, I've always been right there by her side after school when I pick her up and then through the night. This past week, she ended up staying with her friend from Wednesday night until Saturday morning. It was awful for me to deal with that because I couldn't see her in the mornings nor in the evenings. I work 2nd shift, so I just miss her as I leave and she's getting home from school.

On top of that, my sweetie and I began talking in July of 2009, only a few short weeks after I had moved to North Carolina. From the moment he sent that first email to me, we have talked nearly non-stop every single day. Seriously. We have sent more messages via email, Facebook, and text messaging than any normal person. We never run out of things to say and when we're not together, we're always and I do mean ALWAYS talking. So, now, not only was I away from my daughter, but my communications with him was also cut dramatically.

It was rough. It was a very rough week and by Saturday, my emotional turmoil took a turn for the worse and I lost it. It was sad, it really was. I think I shed more tears yesterday than I've shed in a year. Seriously. My emotional wreck even upset him, which is something I never, ever do because he's very precious to me and I am protective over his feelings. It's the Gemini-Leo relationship and we fit it to a "t". When I say I'm protective over his feelings, what I mean by that is that I'm gentle with him, we are always very calm with one another and if we have problems arise, we never yell, accuse, threaten, or any of that mess. We seriously work things out like civilized human beings. Yesterday, something in me flipped upside down and his feelings were like that of a lit cigarette under my shoe because I literally smashed them. I felt like shit. I couldn't even explain in the moment why I was so nasty towards a situation that came up and unfortunately, I upset him. It's so rare that I do that, as a matter of fact, in the 15 months we've been together? That's actually only the 2nd time I've ever done that.

Perhaps the situation was heightened for him because he was already going through some other emotional issues, so it wasn't entirely because of me that he had a bad moment yesterday, but I definitely poured gasoline on his fire. I felt horrible because unless you are in a relationship like the one we share? You simply wouldn't understand. We're very protective over one another and each other's feelings, so it was a shock.

Anyhow, the good news is, our relationship is important to us. Our relationship is priority and when he walked in the door yesterday, at first, he was hesitant to even give me one of those monstrous hugs that he always gives me. We talked. I listened to his feelings without interruption and then he listened to mine. I had to explain to him how new all of this was to me and of course, he too was going through separation anxieties from me. We're not used to our communication being dropped like that. Not only was our communication dropped, but we also always spend Wednesday through Friday together and even that was taken away because I had to work.

I love him. I love that man more than I ever knew I could possibly love. When I moved to NC, I wasn't coming here to love, I was career pointed. That was my life... career, daughter, cats, ya know? But now that God brought him into my life, I've learned over the past 15 months that 2nd chances are beautiful in life. With this man, I've learned so much. I've learned that real love is real, I've learned to be patient even. Me? Patient? Yea, that was tough. I've learned that not every man is out to hurt us but also that no one is perfect and that our imperfections can be seen past if we're willing to take that chance. We've grown up together and in the process, have grown on one another. He's places me in the palm of his hand and shines me up like a diamond should be shining. We've had people trying to break us up, we've had people put us in positions which would've broken us up had we not been strong together, and we've had daggers thrown at our relationship. And yet? Each time people do this to us, we grow stronger together.

The point of this blog, I guess, is to say that no love is perfect no matter how we present ourselves. As we decided yesterday, if our relationship was perfect and without flaw, we'd be God, and we know that is not going to ever be the case. It's how we handle the negative situations which determine our success in our partnership. There's some growing up to do in areas, but we go through those hurdles together. I find myself getting impatient sometimes, I find myself dealing with those thoughts alone, and then I end up flooring them out into his lap all at once and overwhelming him with them, but then we deal with that.

I don't know. Life is strange, but love is even stranger. Time is precious, don't waste it on blocking out the good stuff in life, even the one person who makes you feel like a diamond, a precious stone... because being loved and sharing your love with someone else? It's an amazing feeling. We're 15 months in and we are still electrified by one another in so many ways. It's just amazing.

That said? I've lost 8 pounds this week!