And so it happens again. It's weird to me how much more aware I am of myself and my appearance these days. But first off, this is a major weekend for me as it marks the milestone of my first year being here in North Carolina and being completely on my own and away from the normal that I once knew. Part of moving away from home included reconstructing myself, learning who it is that I am, and becoming closer to God. I've succeeded at all of this thus far and currently working on the physical reconstruction. And with that? Comes the awareness.
Part of my coming closer to God includes going to church and I enjoy going to church with my honey as he is a musician (drummer) there and I enjoy supporting him as well as hearing the good word of God from the pastor there. When I made the journey to NC from IN, I lost a great deal of my clothing as I couldn't bring everything with me that I had wanted to. Many boxes were left behind, personal stuff, clothing, etc... so now I pick up a piece here or there as finances will allow. I bought a new blouse and a new pair of slacks for church on Sunday. The blouse came into and so I tried it on with the pair of slacks I do have. I can't stand the way the reflection looks. I know I am a beautiful woman, I am radiant and I have the glow of God and of love around me at all times. This glow however doesn't do anything with my appearance.
Acceptance is hard for me perhaps. I've decided that I want to line my living room wall of full-length mirrors and I've told my friend this who is helping me get some stuff for my home. I need to walk past these mirrors every day and accept these changes and I need to accept these imperfections while working to change them. I'm not quite understanding why this is the hardest part of this! I like the fact that I can see my knees again after so long, I like that my 'belly skirt' is shrinking and is much smaller, and I like how I can fit into smaller clothes. So what is the problem? Why do I have these emotional breakdowns when I look at myself?
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