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Sunday, June 3, 2012

The Day of "A" -- Anger

As you may have read, I was given a challenge to write every day, using the letters of the alphabet, one per day. Yesterday, I was going to write, but I wasn't feeling it but today my finger tips are burning to release the words on my mind.

Today's letter, the first letter of the alphabet, is A. A for anger. For many years, I lived with so much anger in me that I felt I was going to explode. I had anger towards those I grew up with, I had anger toward my exes, and I had anger towards myself because of the person I was becoming. Anger is like a ticking time bomb within you and can literally kill you. There were times when I saw someone or something which would provoke that anger and I wanted to break something or hurt someone! At one point of my life, I was receiving therapy for several years actually for bipolar disorder. This was the name the doctors had tagged on my explosive anger spells. I was treated with psychotherapy as well as medications, but imagine this... nothing was working. Instead, there were times when I didn't even know who I was or that I'd hide within myself, preventing others to know who I was. I became so withdrawn from society that I actually began using a grocery delivery service rather than going to the stores.

It took my years to understand why I was so angry, even angry towards God and shut Him completely out of my life. It was my environments that I was in, situations which made me feel helpless and as if I were trapped, unable to get out of them. These predicaments made me angry! When I wanted to get away, the feelings of entrapment held me back, so instead of praying for God's assistance to get me through, I acted out in fits of rage, lashing out at anyone who was within my reach. When you think of fits of rage, you're probably thinking, "Did she act as if she were a toddler and kick things?". The answer is no, it was worse. There were times my entire house would be torn upside down. Shelves loaded with VHS tapes thrown from their standing positions, couches flipped upside down, pans of food thrown across the house, and a few times, knives stabbed in to the wall. Ironically, although I was angry, I wouldn't ever hurt anyone in those fits, no one but myself. I ended up bruised and battered by my own ways at times from hitting walls or cars. And there were a few times, my anger went further, sliding me deep into depressive stages, stages that at times left me feeling deep in despair and suicidal.

I'm grateful to say, that I've forgiven all those who hurt me in my life, both past and present. I was delivered from the animosity I had towards them and I don't even think of it today, not usually anyhow. If the situations do cross my mind, rather than being angry towards them, I pray for them, praying that one day they will accept the truth of their transgressions and accept forgiveness themselves. They haven't done so yet, one in particular, whenever he gets angry or mad, he brings up the past and rubs it in my face as if I were in the wrong. I brush it off my shoulders as if it's dirt and know it's Satan trying to stir up strife in my life and move forward instead. I don't have time to be angry in this life. We aren't promised tomorrow and therefore life is too short to walk around mad all the time.

If you're carrying anger towards someone, pray about it. Pray about it until you're able to come to that point of forgiveness towards the person who hurt you. You can spend hundreds of dollars on therapy or you can talk to God. He's there for you and wants to deliver you from the anger you have towards your transgressors as well.

God bless!

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